Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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