i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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