what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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