I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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