8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
