girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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