Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize