I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
