I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
