Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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