____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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