So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
