woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
