I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize