My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize