I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
