i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
