Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Floor bacon is actually really good
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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