If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
