I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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