Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i love accidental penises.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
