forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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