Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
