I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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