I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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