Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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