I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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