Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
