Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
