he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
