No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
