so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
