The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
