1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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