Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
