just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
