I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
