I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I want a musical about memes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
