Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
how does that bad decision feel?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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