I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
