UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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