dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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