dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
