I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
This is not my ceiling
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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