i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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