whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
