How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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