saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
