My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
