this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
