he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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