I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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