Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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