U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
