I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
