before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
